5/1/2022 - Truths and Non-Truths

 "Can you cut off its head without it dying?" Shabbat 75a

As I near the year mark of beginning this journey, I have been studying the contents of the Talmud in depth to better understand the fine print of Judaism. Swimming in the Sea of Talmud by Michael Katz and Gershon Schwartz has made the study both easy to follow and extremely comprehensible as they provide the rabbinical context, history, and modern examples.

This particular line has stuck with me and I've been mulling it over in my head for about two weeks now. The D'rash helped me to better understand it through an example of a construction worker digging a pit. The worker digs the pit to reach the gas lines and leaves it uncovered with no caution signs once finished. Later, someone falls into the pit and the worker says it is not their responsibility because they were only doing their job, they couldn't control whether someone fell in or not. Ultimately, the line is stating that one cannot avoid responsibility by saying, "It's not my fault," and that people have a tendency to refuse to see the consequences of their action.

Everything about that example is factual and unfortunately quite common. Maybe that's why I don't walk over the grates in DC? (kidding) But then I started to wonder to what extent is this line universal to action and consequence?

With recent life events, I have had to reconnect communication with my dad due to my mother's health. It's been civil which I am appreciative of but, the first phone call was rough. He expressed that he was upset I hadn't been speaking to him and so I asked him why he did what he did to me. He responded, "I did what I had to do to get your attention." Still not sure what exactly that means, but if I tried to decode everything he said, I'm pretty sure I would be able to translate the Voynich Manuscript. We ended that very long call with him saying that my mom has not been well since I left and that I should have been checking in on her more. 

My dad is very intellecutal, but that does not mean he is wise. Yet it still made think about what Shabbat 75a said.

There is the heatedly debated questions of, "Is not telling something a lie?" If no one is asking and I am not telling, am I lying?

My sexuality is something I have always known, but certainly not something I have always accepted. I tried for many, many years to ignore it, surpress it, delete it, but it stayed. The more I held it in, the heavier it became and the more it felt like I was trying to hide an elephant behind a lamp post. It got to a point where I more or less burst; I had to tell my family. But no one was asking, I had dated men before so I know they weren't really skeptical. I already knew what their reaction would be, so why did I do it? I knew my dad would be livid and my mom would be crushed, so why did I risk my life and tell them anyway? Why couldn't I just have waited until I was established on my own?

I can't really explain it, but it felt so wrong to withhold that information. I felt like I woke up every morning, dressed as a mime, and made it a living to convince those around me that weren't even asking, that was stuck in an invisible box on a French street. 

So when my parents were sitting at the table at my request, I thought I was going to throw up, they probably thought I was going to say I was pregnant, but I surprised all three of us and came out instead. Their reactions weren't a shock, I would've been shocked if they were accepting. So I sat there for quite some time as things were said and more less spaced out as I thought to myself, "What the heck did I just do. I don't have a plan." And so when I left for good that afternoon, I felt guilty crying because I had known what their reaction would be when I came out, and I did it anyway. In a weird sense, somewhat blaming myself for that event helped me push through a lot of hard times as I told myself, "That was going to happen eventually." That probably wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism but, you know what, I'm typing all of this at my dining room table, in my apartment, with my cat, surrounded by the life I built after what I thought was the end of my world. Some people never get here of no fault of their own. I got one very lucky card in the deck of life.

I was war with myself for years over what had happpeed. I was sad, embarassed, broke, and my entire 19-20 years of life was in a bag in my car. But I didn't feel allowed to feel sad or embarassed, I knew what would happen and I did it anyway.

So were my dad and I both in the wrong that day? He certainly didn't react well, but I'm the one who placed my hand in the fire knowing it would burn.

I really, and I mean really, try to limit my Prince of Egypt referecences but, God has helped me heal and see things through heaven's eyes. This is where I truly wish that it had not taken me so, so long to find my way home to Judaism because had I seen that God was all but dragging me through life during those years of my stubbornness, I would've seen that not only was I not alone, but I was building the foundation of a life meant living. 

I could've continued to live a life of suppression, married a nice man, had children, and have been moderately happy. In that life, could I have been on my death bed, surrounded by my family and the life I built, and truthfully say before departing that I lived a true, honest, and fulfilling life? Absolutely not. As a grow closer to God in my Jewish life I constantly think about if I will meet God one day and be able to say that I lived my life to it's fullest and earnest. Will I be able to tell God that I dared to live this life I was gifted with even when it required extremely difficult choices and sacrifices? I'm sure it wasn't easy for Moses to run from the life he had been living as a prince and start over with nothing to his name but the clothes on his back. 

Maybe there's more to Exodus than I initially thought. Moses was living a comfortable life with family who loved him, but there was a part of him that if revealed, would have ruined that life in an instant. But he did it anyway and it cost him a lot for awhile, and yet he is the one that God chose to climb Mt. Sinai and accept the tablets. Moses could not have climbed those steps with Egyptian royal jewels jingling with his every step. He could've lived happily as a prince, but chose to live happily as himself.

There's another line that was analyzed in Swimming in the Sea of Talmud that says, "We do not bring proof from fools," as the rabbis caution to consider what is being said and by who. My dad's logic about me being partly responsible for my mom's health is as logical as my dad disowning me for be honest about who I am.

So, is withholding the truth a lie? Maybe sometimes. But the more important lesson this single line has taught me is, there are hardly any universal answers. Each situation is it's own with infinite variables So perhaps the better question is, will I allow mysef to live a universal life, or a life of my own? Will I be able to tell God that I lived a life or that I lived the life of Elizabeth Gomes?