2/13/2022 - Prayer

 "In its highest sense, it [prayer] is the intimate communion between the creature and his Creator, deep speaking to deep." -Everyman's Talmud, pg. 81

In one of my previous entries, I quoted a book saying something along the lines of incorporating Judaism in our everyday lives, that it doesn't have to be confined to a temple. I've recently started to be more cognizant of that notion and explore ways to actualize that thought.

Adjusting my diet was one of the first things I committed myself to at the beginning of this journey, which has been difficult at times but not enough to make me regress in that commitment. Having to be aware of what I'm eating/mixing has been a beautiful reminder of why I am doing so. Lately, I've been trying to evolve my diet into a more kosher one as food is one of the main pleasures in my life. It makes sense to me to want to share my love of food with God while also sharing my love of God with food.

I'm starting slowly while I read more about Jewish dietary expectations, but a simple step I've made is going out of my way to buy kosher branded products. For example, if I'm buying a box of crackers and there are two boxes, one kosher and one not, I'll buy the kosher one. If there's not a kosher option, I'll buy what's available. Or if I am at a restaurant, I will at the very least follow the 3 main dietary expectations of no pork, shellfish, or mixing of meat and dairy. I feel like it's a small step in the right direction while I figure out what's next. 

It has been difficult on occasion when I am around some friends, my sister, and/or others though, more so because I can see their mild frustration when I politely decline something. But I am always prepared with alternative options when I am in the company of others. Like, I'll ask what we'll be eating that day so I can adjust what I eat prior to seeing them (i.e. mixing meat and dairy), or I will offer to bring a dessert or to cook a meal. I do not want them to feel responsible for the diet I have chosen. What I have found is that people are more receptive to my voluntary restrictions when I liken it to being vegetarian. I'm not thrilled with the fact that I have to remove the element of faith to legitimize my diet to some, but whatever works, ya know?

Along the lines of food, I have also been incorporating much more prayer in my daily life as well. It started with basic blessings for food and wine but now I am extending to other parts of my life. I've started reciting the Shema a couple of times of day, especially before I go to bed. Before I fall asleep, I take a few minutes to let my body fully relax before reciting it. What I have also noticed is that there are moments where I feel like a prayer/blessing could be present, but I don't know which one. In those instances, I'll instead just meditate for a minute or two on the moment by thanking and/or speaking to God about it.

I began to notice that while praying before eating and praying during Shabbat and Havdalah, I was reciting the blessings by muscle memory. It may seem like a good thing for it to be so ingrained that I go on prayer auto-piot, but it doesn't feel genuine. Sometimes I catch myself mid-prayer and will start over, and if for some reason my mind is so restless that I cannot focus after a few tries, I move on because I'd rather not say a prayer than to say one I am not feeling. Is that acceptable? Or is it in times like that that prayer is more meaningful? I don't want God to hear my automated messages, I want Him to hear my voice. 

When I pray now, let's say over a glass of wine, I try to visualize the wonder of how the sweet juice came from a plump grape on a vine, and how God saw that it was so good that He partnered with us in creation to make it. Or when I pray before I eat, I remind myself that there were times in college when I couldn't afford sustenance on a regular basis, and remind myself where I am right now, with a full plate of food in front of me. Or when I pray before I fall asleep, I remind myself that no matter how poorly the day went, the day went anyway. I want to feel what I am praying so God can feel it too, I want to meditate during the prayer to translate my emotions at that moment.

Growing up, my parents taught me to pray to God when I wanted/needed something that wasn't necessarily material, but more along the lines of personal and spiritual requests. For example, asking God to help me get through a tough day. It certainly gave me comfort that I could ask for guidance from someone I could trust with my thoughts and wishes. So I started praying for things like "help me pass this test" or, "please don't let my parents find out I skipped class" or, "please make my crush like me." Praying like that made me realize two things - I was only praying when I wanted something and when those prayers weren't answered the way I wanted them to be, I became resentful to God. But that was way before I started embracing the Jew within myself.

Now that I have been praying deliberately since allowing myself to become vulnerable to God, I noticed one day that I don't really ask for anything anymore, I was only offering my gratuity and love. I don't really pray about the quality of things anymore if that makes sense. For example, I pray in thanks for the food in front of me even if it is not my preferred meal. Some days really suck, but I was gifted another day nonetheless. The thing itself does not have to be top tier for me to be thankful for it.

In a very odd but not so odd way of things, I partially came to this realization while at work. Working in HR is interesting because you pretty much sign an offer letter that guarantees you will not be liked outside of the HR department. But every once in a while, an employee says something nice or even simply says thank you, and suddenly the job becomes enjoyable for the next few months. But I started noticing that I was getting discouraged because there are more times than not when an employee gives a negative reaction to the answer I provide them. While HR does apply policy relentlessly, a good HR team will try to provide an alternative option or reach a compromise with the other person. In worse-case scenarios, neither is offered and policy is enforced to its full extent.

For example, there was a very recent situation where a very friendly employee was asking me to refund her PTO from last year because someone told her it was supposed to carry over from one year to another. Imagine a very expensive bottle of wine was accidentally placed in the 90% clearance rack and a customer comes to the register with it, do you honor that clearance price even though it was wrongfully put there, or do you stand by the actual price? That's very similar to what this employee was asking of me. I apologized she was given the wrong information and told her I could not refund her PTO but I could excuse her previous absence instead. Clearly not happy with that answer, she wrote a scathing email and has not made eye contact with me since. I was so bummed because prior to the conversation, she was very friendly and I'd often chat with her before my shift started. Some similar situations happened between then and now, but then I realized that some people are only asking a question hoping you will give them the exact answer they want, anything less and they'll be upset. Was I not doing the same thing when I prayed to God growing up? 

Maybe people assume that because God is the Sovereign of all and Creator of the universe, He is a genie, and if God loves us all, then why isn't He granting our very specific wish? Even by being the best archaeologist in the world, Indiana Jones cannot rewrite history to make the pyramids a cube.

However, there are of course times when I ask God for things. Recently, I asked God to be with my mom during her emergency surgery. I also asked God to help me remove my bias now that I have to talk to my dad regularly while she recovers. 

But God aligns the universe in such an interesting and mystical way. I found that when I stopped asking God for things for myself that those things started to come into my life. Last month I couldn't stop thinking to myself that it would be so great to have a day of rest where I completely unplugged and allowed myself to recharge. No texting friends, no obligations, just me and my cat lounging on the couch. About a week later, the snow prevented me from driving to work and I couldn't work from home because my internet went out. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind but I had a day of unplugged recharging where my cat and I did nothing all day, and it felt great. More embarrassingly, I used to persistently ask God to rewind time so I could avoid the devastating breakup and still be with that person I loved deeply. When I stopped basically begging, I woke up one day recently, months after the breakup, and didn't miss them anymore. Instead, I realized I had been missing myself. 

I really, truly believe that the fine-tuning of how I pray has altered my life in such an interesting and positive way. I don't believe that life is linear, I think that the only thing in life that is identically sequential for every single person is that we are all born into a body, and one day that body will cease. For any other situation, there is always another option. For example, it is so easy for an inconvenience to happen that makes us grumpy for the rest of the day, but how much of that inconvenience is enough to keep us grumpy for the rest of the day? I try not to curse my bad days anymore, instead, I will acknowledge what happened and what I didn't like, allow myself to be upset for a few minutes, then focus on what about my day went well or how I can improve it, and thank God for that clarity. I don't have a bad day and then go home and eat without blessing the food first just because I'm mad at God for not giving me a perfect day. It wasn't until I deliberately started to pray and open an honest dialogue with God that I started to hear God more clearly; I feel that I am starting to speak to God in a tone He can, and wants to, hear.

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Rabbi, are there prayers/blessings you recommend or personally enjoy?