10/24/2021 - Check Point

Overall:

I think it's been about 3 months since my first meeting with Rabbi Shankman. I remember initially thinking, after the meeting, that the conversion process was going to be a lot more work than anticipated, and I wasn't wrong, but that's not a bad thing! In fact, I can't really remember being more excited and motivated by something.

With each question comes an answer, and with each answer comes another question, and another, and another, and another. There have been days where I've been stuck dissecting a single word from a sentence trying to get a better understanding only to look down at my notebook and see the list of questions I asked myself along the way. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Attending 12JQ has helped me focus on some of the main philosophies in Judaism. But what I like about it is that it isn't so much a class as it is a Socratic seminar with literally no wrong answers. The most powerful answer to an open-ended question is multiple answers. 

From someone who took 4 years of German and can still only say, "Ich habe Braune Augen," learning Hebrew has even been fun. Just being able to identify and pronounce the characters helps a lot.

Living a Jewish Life:

But what has helped the most is taking heed to Rabbi Shankman's advice of living a more Jewish life. Like most, the fastest way for me to learn is by doing. I remember the first thing I did was adjust my diet to exclude pork, shellfish, and mixing meat and dairy and so far, I've only slipped up once or twice by accident. Shortly after, I affixed a mezuzah by my door, which is the first thing I touch when I walk through the door; even my cat respects that now. During Yom Kippur, I made a promise to God to not take His name in vain and that has been the hardest change so far; I didn't realize how ingrained it was in my everyday vocabulary. But each time I slip up, it's a bittersweet reminder of why I am making the change. Bitter because I messed up, sweet because it reminds me of how important this conversion is to me.

While not traditionally the day of rest, I dedicate my Sundays to studying and do not run any errands. And for the most part, I keep my phone on silent as well. In the past three months, I think I have only missed Shabbat service twice, but every Friday I've lit the Shabbat candles. Just a few months ago, I all but sped home on Fridays just so I could flop on my couch all night, but now my Friday excitement is coming home to light the candles, pour the wine into the kiddush cup, and recite the Shabbot prayers (after virtual service). Sometimes I recite the blessing twice just for fun simply because I spend my work week looking forward to that very moment. So, coming home on Fridays has become less of a day of relief and more of a day of gratitude as I reflect on the Simchas from the week.

What further interests me, but I have not tried, is the practice of Havdalah at the close of Shabbot. I understand that is a more Orthodox practice, but does Reform have any observance of it?

The joy that these past 3 months have brought is immeasurable. I even had a friend say that they notice I become visibly happy when I talk about it. I'll be honest, it has been challenging at times, and I've even gotten opposition from others about this process, but nothing has made me think twice about this.

Jewish Identity:

I remember one of my first concerns when beginning this journey was the thought that I would never truly be Jewish as I was not born and raised as a Jew. But what I've realized is that despite being raised Catholic, I was indeed born a Jew. It was not a notion that came to me as a teen or young adult, it was a notion that has been there since birth. 

The concern of me not being truly Jewish was even brought up at work. Why someone began talking about religion to Human Resources is beyond me, but a manager somehow caught wind of my beliefs. I think they must have found this blog before I made it private, and said, "With the last name Gomes? That doesn't sound right." That one kind of stuck with me until I opened the first few pages of Choosing a Jewish Life (thank you for lending it to me) and read:

"A young man studying for conversion turned to his teacher and said, 'But, Rabbi Kushner, Fitzpatrick isn't a Jewish name.' To which Kushner replied, 'It will be.'"

During this ongoing process, I've examined the argument that has discouraged me until now; who can be considered as truly Jewish. Interestingly enough, I've mostly heard that argument from non-Jews. Thus far, the Jewish community has continuously reassured me that a Jew-by-choice does not make me less Jewish. I understand that there are more conservative sects of Judaism that do not quite embrace that, but as Rabbi Lustig said in service on day, "You're either Jewish or you aren't. Simple as that."

Responsa and Tattoos:

I looked into Responsa and I found a few perspectives on tattoos in Judaism. Most were focused on the prohibition of body modification in the Torah but I did find a few regarding the significance of tattoos regarding the Holocaust. The arguments were mixed but it was consistently mentioned that the forced tattoos during the Holocaust erased an individuls identity. I had always considered my tattoos as an expression of my identity, but as I enter into this Jewish life, it's important to me to acknowledge the haunting torments that Judaism has forcibly experienced. 

Rereading Night by Elie Weisel has led me to conclude that I will keep my tattoos covered while in the temple or any Jewish event. When I thought about it more, I realizes that the Holocaust happened not too long ago. As recently so that I remember a Holocaust survivor visiting my high school to speak with us. I remember him not being shy about showing us his tattoo and retelling his stories. 

Maybe this decision of mine will be temporary, but for now, it's important for me to be cognizant of the profound significance of tattoos in Judaism.

I always wonder why they had us read Night when we were barely 14 in middle school; before we had the maturity to understand the horrors of the Holocaust. Rereading it as an adult had a profoundly different impact on my perception.

Jewish Library:

I like the phrase that Rabbi Miller used; building our Jewish library. He always has a book in mind to recommend to us in class. 

I love reading, and when I am not studying or working, I am usually reading some sort of novel. But lately I have noticed the collection of recent literary purchases piling up on my dining room table, all being consulted at some point throughout the week. Specifically, I tend to go back to Jewish Literacy and Everyman's Talmud quite frequently. Having reread Night just recently, I believe it is a good segue to me reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

As I mentioned earlier, each answer I find in a Jewish text leads to me to many more questions. And for each additional question comes endless answers and interpretations. The is a neverending debate between philosphers, from Socrates, to Machiavelli, to Rimbaud, to Hume, to Sartre, etc.. And I have found that Judaism in not much different with it's endless interpretations of the same text and questions. Maybe that's the true beauty of the Tanakh; an ancient text that can be interpretated differently to the evolution of mankind and the world around us. I see Catholicism as still law abiding to the time it was written which was a radically different world than the one we live in now.

I love this notion of having a Jewish library. We didn't have many texts, if any, outside of the Bible in Catholicism. We strictly could only read the word of God as interpretation wasn't quite encouraged. Wouldn't one think that an ancient text that is still applicable to today through interpretation is more sacred than a text that is taken word for word?

Next Goals:

I want to really focus on delving deep to understand the differences between Judaism and Christianty and the difference between Orthodox and Reform. I think understanding both sides will help me embrace the other fully.

I want to continue exploring Jewish texts, knowledge, and practices. Spending my Sundays hunched over books trying to find answers to one question has proven to be a fub challenge.

I want to practice more Jewish observances. I liked what Cantor Bortnick mentioned in class about liturgy and personal practices. I think participating in more ritualistic ways of worship can help me continue living a more Jewish life. I feel that I've done a decent amount of personal practices while studying, reading, or praying, but I'd like to partake in more Jewish traditions as well. Leading back to my earlier mention of understanding Havdalah.

Connecting with the Jewish community. The more I learn about Judaism, the more I understand that it is a communal way of life instead of a solitary one. I actually had a friend introduce me to her coworker that also went through the conversion process and offered to connect with me as a Jewish buddy, as she phrased it.

:)