9/26/2021 - Forgiveness

 A few updates: 

1. My dietary changes have been going really well but, if I mix ghee with meat, is that considered a violation of mixing meat and dairy? Ghee is clarified butter that has had milk solids and lactose removed but would it still be considered milk since it originated from a lactating animal?
2. It has been extremely difficult to maintain my vow of not taking His name in vain
3. I've devoted my Sundays to an errand-free day of study and I'm excited (though nervous) to start 12JQ and Hebrew classes next week

During the month of Tishrei I spent much time seeking forgiveness from God for not just one year of sin, but multiple years. It was during this time that I became more acquainted with the term forgiveness and realized it was a much more complicated word than I originally thought. For it's not just a word, but a process and agreement between two parties. But both parties have to be on the same page, but oftentimes they are in different chapters of the same book. Forgiveness for the offendee is an agreement to release animosity for not just the other, but for themselves as well. For holding onto anger is detrimental. Forgiveness for the offender is sincere repentance and an offer to not repeat the action.

I did hours of reading Jewish Literacy and Everyman's Talmud to try and understand the Jewish perception of forgiving another. While I was able to see the outline of forgiveness, the reading left me with many more questions.

Everyman's Talmud implies that if the offender is sincere in their apology and admits that they acted wrong, an apology is necessary no matter the offense. If the apology is denied 3 times, the offended is considered cruel. "--it was the duty of the aggrieved party to accept the apology when made to him and not nurse his grievance." The principle makes sense, but is it cruel to withhold forgiveness if the offender caused irrevocable damage? Damage that cannot be undone?

I liked that in Jewish Literacy Christian forgiveness was compared to Jewish forgiveness. It is mentioned that in Christianity, we are to forgive the sins of others whether or not forgiveness was requested and whether or not the sin was against oneself or others. It was so ingrained in me from Sunday school that forgiveness became my automatic response rather than evaluating the sincerity or damage of the situation. I'm sure that this notion had optimistic intentions in the earlier years of the religion, but a lot of details and purpose are lost when a practice becomes automated.

Jewish Literacy broke down forgiveness into three approaches: obligation, optional, and forbidden.

Obligatory forgiveness is those where non-irrevocable harm is committed and the apology is sincere. We are insisted to forgive them. and if we do not forgive by the 3rd attempt, the offender is seen to have appropriately repented and can move on.

Optional forgiveness is when irrevocable damage has been committed. There is no need to forgive if the other does not seek forgiveness. It's considered wise to forgive to release the anger within, but it's discretionary.

Forbidden forgiveness is when a crime is committed against another for forgiveness can only be granted by the victim. In an unfortunate example, Jewish Literacy explains how we cannot forgive the murderer because the grantor of forgiveness is deceased; it's redundant for us to forgive the murder when the crime was not committed on us.

I like that forgiveness is categorized rather than universal for I now feel less cold knowing that forgiveness, or lack thereof, is a choice. But it makes me wonder, is it wrong if the offendee says, "It's okay," when accepting the apology? Wouldn't that imply that it's "okay," they committed those acts? Apologies are about admitting that one was wrong in their actions, so for us to say "it's okay," kind of voids the apology but countering that the actions were not exactly wrong. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but the phrase kind of invites the behavior to be repeated if one counters the apology with "it's okay." But it's a phrase I'm guilty of.

I guess where it gets more complicated for me is the instance of forgiveness to a parent.

I don't think the rest of this entry will make sense if I don't explain the context. 

So, to be candid, this situation is in regard to my father. When I came out to my parents, it was not received well at all. Specifically, my father said cruel and unthinkable things to me that perhaps are best to omit from this blog. I won't go into the details but the general rhetoric was, "You're not my daughter anymore because you failed me and insulted my parenting. Watch your back if you ever come near me again." The fine details of what else was said were his successful attempt at severing our relationship. He kicked me out and only allowed me to leave with what I could carry in my arms. My mom did not oppose his actions but also did not agree with them; she stayed pretty silently neutral.

Mom came around eventually. She never explicitly said sorry, but she broke away from the Catholic church and adopted an inclusive denomination instead. And that was an apology enough for me. I guess apologies don't always need to be verbal, although I'd prefer it, her actions spoke volumes to me.

This is where I struggle with forgiveness. If he were to sincerely apologize to me tomorrow, would I accept? Would the apology be enough to rekindle the relationship? I wonder if granting forgiveness is even genuine if I still would go out of my way to avoid him. For example, I think genuine forgiveness is when you two can walk down the same sidewalk and wave and smile at the other. But is an apology genuine if I cross the street to avoid passing them on the same sidewalk?

The readings I've done thus far say that forgiveness and also releasing anger and grievance from within. But what of anguish? How do you release sadness on command? Maybe feeling anguish about a situation caused by another is what can be considered irrevocable damage. 

But where I am torn is the commandment of honoring your mother and father. How do I apply that to what he did? To make matters more complicated, he has not apologized.

Jewish Literacy clarified that this commandment is not obligating loving a parent, but honoring them and being in awe of them. It was the first time I considered this interpretation but it makes sense. Parents aren't perfect and sometimes the relationship is loveless, but that doesn't mean we damn them, right? They define awe as having respect for a parent but I don't think I do, but I can try to honor him. I do not wish him ill. But what I found interesting in Jewish Literacy was that we are to obey parents only when they tell us what to do is right, "The Talmud answers [that the two are juxtaposed to teach] that if parents order a child to violate the Sabbath, he should not listen to them." I assume that also applies to violating the Torah/Bible. 

What I found most interesting and validating was the example in Jewish Literacy of parents disapproving of their child's intended mate. If a parent were to sever that loving relationship and force their child to marry someone they force upon them will violate the commandment of loving your neighbor as yourself because the child would grow to resent their spouse. The breaking of this commandment would be a parent making their child violate the Torah. But do we end up forgiving the parent if they follow through with a forced marriage? Would my father have rather me live an unhappy life with a husband?

Growing up, he instilled the act of never lying, even if the truth has unwanted repercussions. As a child, I remember lying to him and saying I finished my homework so I could play outside with the other children. 5 minutes into playing, I felt so guilty of lying that I went back home and told him I lied. I was grounded for lying, but he still said I did the right thing by confessing. So why does that ideology not apply to whom I love?

Perhaps it is not me who needs to forgive my father, but God. I think what my father did is less about my sexuality and more about his connection and interpretation of God, which is not a place I can/should insert myself.