9/11/2021 - Forgiveness and Evolving

During these 10 Days of Awe, I realized that my perception of forgiveness was false. Well, partially false.

It wasn't until recently that I fully understood that forgiveness is not a final decision, but an agreement to evolve one's acts into something that will not need to seek forgiveness in the future. Actions speak louder than words if you will. What's forgiveness if one continues that behavior?

But we're human, repeated actions are bound to happen to us all. It's not the easiest thing to articulate but I believe that there are two types of apologies: the initial and the repeated.

Bear with me, but let's say there is a Coke and a Sprite in a fridge that is shared with a roommate. The Sprite is mine but the Coke is my roommate's. But suddenly I'm craving a Coke and take it instead of my Sprite. My roommate comes home, opens the fridge, and asks where their Coke is. I burp and say I drank it, not thinking much of it. The roommate tells me that the Coke was their's and I should not have taken it without asking them first. I realize how my actions affected my roommate, and how it caused a rift in our friendly relationship. So I apologize and say it won't happen again.

The next day I open the fridge and grab a can of soda blindly because I'm in a rush. When I open the can I realize that it is not my Sprite, but my roommate's Coke. I realize the mistake I made and when my roommate comes home, I fess up before they open the fridge. I tell them I grabbed the can without looking and did not realize I had grabbed their can until I opened the can. I apologize for repeating my mistake and seek their forgiveness again and go out of my way to buy them another Coke to show my sincerity.

If after the initial event, I opened the fridge and intentionally grabbed the Coke, then that means that I did not provide a genuine apology to my roommate, or just assumed they would keep forgiving me while I put no effort into evolving my actions. But apologizing and buying a replacement Coke is a different apology because it's not only apologizing for the event, but also apologizing for the accidental repetition. That's kind of how I've been understanding how to properly seek forgiveness with God.

In my previous post, I expressed that my most pressing regret and reconciliation was that I had turned my back on God for many years. This is not the easiest thing to seek forgiveness for, but it is necessary to strengthen our bond and seek His approval when He decides that I am ready to become truly Jewish.

Beginning this journey of conversion, studying, adjusting my diet, living a more Jewish life, speaking with Rabbi Shankman, attending virtual service, etc. are all ways that help me find forgiveness for myself and make peace within. I'm doing those things for myself, but what I am doing for God? How do I show God that I'm truly sorry for the years of neglect? How do I evolve my actions to show Him I won't turn my back on Him again?

The opposite of neglect must be attentiveness, right? How can I say I truly love and praise someone if I take their name in vain? That's how I decided what to do to evolve from negligence; I will stop taking His name in vain.

Like my diet, this will take some getting used to as it has been engrained in my everyday vocabulary. But I think this engrained vocabulary makes the challenge all the more effective because I will need to proactively choose my words. Every time I accidentally type, "omg," or catch myself in the middle of a sentence, it will be an immediate reminder as to why I am doing this. It has already proven to be a very difficult task, but it's clearly outlined in the tablets that Moses brought down from Mount Sinai and who am I to try and find a loophole in His word?

I feel that the adjustments to my diet are something I must share with friends and family as food is almost always involved in our hangouts, but the adjustment to vocabulary feels like a challenage solely between myself and God. In a way, refraining from taking His name in vain feels more sacred because it's a diret way for me to show God not just my dedication, but my love. I wouldn't curse the name of a significant other or a family member (despite our past), so why should God be the exception?

So in this weird analogy, taking His name in vain is me intentionally taking the roommates Coke assumming they'll continue to forgive me since we live together. By not taking His name in vain is me respecting my roommate and not taking their Coke even when I crave it.

God is forgiving, but that doesn't mean I can always do what I want because I assume He will forgive me. The bond between God and myself is a two way street. He gave us free will just as He gave us life, and I will not disrespect the name of He who gave me those precious gifts.