9/6/2021 - 10 Days of Awe, Repentance for Doubt

 Shana Tova :)

I think I've said it before, but I believe it's divine intervention that I began the conversion process right before the month of Elul.

It's been cleansing, if you will, to start toward the beginning of the New Year and during a time of self-reflection and repentance. For I have quite a few things to repent for to feel worthy of this journey.

What I must atone for the most are the years of my life where I doubted God. Where I severed Him from my life due to the prosecution I experienced in Catholicism. 

There was not much teaching of the Bible in Sunday school, but rather constant reinforcement of how to act with no justification. In fact, I can't even remember opening a Bible in Sunday school. We were told how to act and judge others that were not Catholic for they were "wrong." We weren't really taught the kindness and forgiveness of God, it was very much an every-man-for-himself teaching.

Granted, the church I attended was quite conservative, more so than I'd like to think other Catholic churches are. We were taught to fear God not in the sense of awe, but in a sense of damnation. My family was equally as conservative and judgemental of those that did not fit their idea of holiness. 

With that in mind, it was no surprise when my parents kicked me out. Yes, I was angry at them and angry at myself at how hurt and devastated I was, but I was most angry with God. How could He do this? What did I do in those 19 years to deserve this? I resented Him for it. I was angry with the fearful God that the Catholic church painted Him to be. I had thought He turned His back on me, so I turned my back on Him.

Within hours of the event, my friend's family, a Jewish family, offered to let me stay. They opened their home to me without question; they didn't even think twice. Thankfully my sister had not left my side so I politely declined and stayed with her. But that watered the seed that had been in my mind since childhood, that I wanted to devote myself to Judaism. 

Some things just feel right, ya know? And I knew since I was a child.

It took a few years for me to realize that God had never turned His back on me. He did not abandon me, He held my hand through those years. Blessed me with a kind sister, blessed me with a job that got me through college, blessed me with friends that accepted me, blessed me with so many things that I did not deserve for being so angry with Him. But my mind always went back to my friend's family who opened their home to me.

My life slowed down in the past two years. With those two years came introspective reflection and guilt that I had turned my back on God. I finally saw that He never left me, He saved me. He delivered me from an environment of judgment and hate. While the journey after that was rough, it was necessary because it rekindled my connection to God and allowed me to see Him for who He truly is. Kind, forgiving, wise, and patient. He loved me for who He created me as and showed me that the life He blessed me with was not a life in Catholicism. He held my hand and delivered me to the life I was meant to live and experience as my true self.

This self-reflection and revelation catapulted my lifelong desire to join the Jewish faith and praise Him for the God He is. I just wish it hadn't taken a tragedy for me to realize what was always there.

When I reached out to the Washington Hebrew Congregation for the first time I experienced the same warm welcome and love that I experienced all those years ago with my friend's family. Marsha's, "You have come to the right place!" statement in our first email only further reaffirmed to me that this was meant to be and that it was time I put in the work. 

But with this event in motion comes what will likely be my everlasting atonement for the years I doubted Him. He is clearly patient since He endured my stubbornness and now it is my turn to thank Him through praise and evolve from the years I looked away from Him. He loved me when I did not love Him and now I vow to devote myself to Him and live the true life He blessed me with.

Of all that I must repent for, this is by far the most pertinent. And I happily accept the task.