8/19/2021 - Elul, Atonement, Fear, and Shame

During the month of Elul, I have taken more time to actively reflect on my emotions, atonement, and self-worth.  I'll admit it's been pretty intense to stop and evaluate the emotions and mindsets that I have ingrained in myself. Things that I believe were a core part of myself and now things that I realize are malleable. For example, I cannot change my past, but I can actively atone and make peace with events from my past to grow from. 

For most of my adult life, I have not atoned, but rather tucked the memory away and moved on. But how could that lead to growth? Maybe I thought that atonement meant feeling bad and then forgetting, but this only created a self-inflicted fear, "What if I do it again?" Forgiving myself is probably one of the harder tasks I've tried. 

But we are not born wise. He gives us free will and the fundamentals and resources to make good decisions to live a good life not just for ourselves, but those around us too. In a sense, it could be considered trial and error. Accept perhaps it could be considered trial and error and growth. After the trial of making a decision that was likely not the best, we experience the error in that choice. But the only way to prevent that error from happening again is to evaluate that the choice we made was not the best. We must make peace that we caused an error and find ways to grow from that. 

I've been reading a highly recommended book called, Everyman's Talmud by---, and the section on shame. I found the section of this book to silently also address forgiveness as well. He created us in His own vision, he blessed us with life and free will, and even in the darkest moments of our lives, He is there to love us and we can be assured that we are never truly alone. The section further implied that to hold on to shame can almost be considered an offense to God as prolonged shame holds us back from who we are; who He created us as. To release shame is to forgive ourselves.

So why have I not been forgiving myself? Honestly, I've been scared that I'll repeat past mistakes. I was in a mindset that by holding onto shame, I was reminding myself to not repeat the past. I was not growing from my mistakes, I was living in shame of them. But how can I present myself to Him and celebrate the life He has given me if I am not seeking peace within myself? How can He forgive and love me for poor decisions I have made? That is what I have been struggling with during the month of Elul.

I listened to a recent podcast from WHC's Soulful Series regarding fear. Rabbi Shankman made a thought provoking statement along the lines of leaning over high rise building is fear, but leaning over to see a better view of the Grand Canyon is awe. I've been living in a world where I'm voluntarily leaning over that high rise with my eyes closed, and I have not been leaning over to see the awe of the world from above. I've been afraid to open my eyes and experience the awe of God because I've been living with shame and not living as who I am meant to be, fearing His disappointment. I've been fearful of not being worthy of His love because of my past. 

But I see now that to experience fear and shame gives us the chance to atone and become wiser. Atonement is a parternership between oneself and God as we learn to forgive ourselves and seek forgiveness from Him as well.

But I've seen the progress I've made. I made the steps to formally convert once I overcame the fear of rejection. I opened my eyes on the fictitious high rise and saw the work that needed to be done to experience the true awe of God.

So far, this has not only been a religious journey, but a philosophical one as well.